1. Why does the one meat item that would always stand between me and vegetarianism come from one of the smartest, sweetest creatures on the planet? I need to eat bacon that came purely from asshole pigs, if only to assuage my guilt.
2. “In a world of Kim Kardashians, be a Princess Diana.” Where’s the dude version of this? In a world of Kanye Wests, be a Robert Downey Jr? In a world of Koch Brothers, be Elon Musk? In a world of Trumps, be Bernie Sanders?
3. 2001 was 15 years ago and that’s not okay.
4. Sometimes I look at my cats and go, “Wow, you’re an animal. And you just hang out with me. You’re this little creature with fur and I interact with you and you acknowledge my existence.” And then I look at people and go, “Wow, you’re a person. And you’re not me. You’re a person with a face and I interact with you and you acknowledge my existence.” And I wonder why social interactions don’t come easily for me.
5. Also: Existence. Yikes.
6. I’ve decided packaging in food isn’t getting smaller. We’re just steadily becoming giants.
7. Sometimes I wonder where I’d be if people actually listened to me from junior high onwards, when I said numbers get jumbled in my head like a type of numbers dyslexia. No, that’s cool, discalculia, you can totally be a thing long after I gave up on math and never looked back. I mean, let’s be real: I still would’ve gotten a humanities degree, but maybe I would be able to actually do mental math.
8. On a related note, I’m still waiting for that moment when I start missing high school. Someone actually shoot me if I start romanticizing my teenage years.
9. People need to chill about people younger than them saying they feel “so old”. There’s always going to be someone older who could invalidate your experience. Perhaps people don’t recognize that the “so old” statement is essentially saying, “Holy crap: life is finite and I am mortal, and I keep inching forward with the ever-mocking presence of death by my side — and I am no longer blissfully unaware that someday I will die. Because — shit — someday I will die, and every day past birth is a day closer to that reality.” Or, y’know, something to that effect.
10. Just FYI to the powers that be that control sleeping: When I said I wish there were more hours in the day, I didn’t mean, “Dip into the reserve set aside for sleep.” I don’t become more productive as a result. I just end up making blog posts. Jackasses.
Bonus: Is it possible to Netflix & Chill with sleep? Yo sleep, won’t you come over to my place tonight. I did swipe right on your Tinder profile.